The hospital on the hill

Many women who experience a miscarriage will have emotional triggers for weeks, months or years after. It could be a place, person, smell or date that takes you back to the trauma experienced, this can cause a very real and difficult emotional reaction.

For me, one of the most difficult triggers I experienced was seeing the hospital that I spent so much time in. I miscarried during the coronavirus pandemic which mean I spent many hours in a hospital waiting room alone and this is something I still find difficult to re-live. As many of you will already know Sheffield is built on seven hills. This means you are never far away from a wonderful view across the city skyline, it also meant for me that I could see the Hallamshire hospital on the horizon from the top of the hill that we live on. My eyes would zoom in on the hospital building as if the rest of the city had faded away. I found this more difficult than pregnancy announcements, friends new born babies or any other trigger that you would anticipate a stronger reaction from.

Seeing the building took me back to the fear I felt whilst sitting and waiting to be told what was happening. When I saw it in the distance my stomach would drop and I would get a lump in my throat. When I had to go for a routine scan 6 weeks after my miscarriage- the fear I felt going back in the building and onto the same ward was almost unbearable.

As the weeks and months have passed I would be lying if I said that the hospital isn't still the first thing I see when I look over the city from the top of my hill, but with time the rest of the city is starting to come back in to view. Much like grief, the passing of time doesn't take it away, it just ensures that you can let the other things that bring you happiness in life back in.

The buildings, dates, people and places that take us back to these difficult times will probably always act as a reminder of what we have been through. But with time this reminder will feel more like a gentle nudge instead of a thump in the stomach.

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